Exactly a week ago, I was heading back to Lauren’s house after tryouts. I think I have had enough time to reflect.
The morning of tryouts was really difficult of me. My anxiety sky rocketed. I was really scared and I didn’t want to go. Luckily my mom and dad did a great job convincing me TO go. I had an omelet for breakfast and then I went to my parents house and just laid on the couch until someone came home. My dad brought me a Panera Thai Chicken salad. It was hard for me to eat, obviously, because of the stress. I decided to make whole grain pasta with my mom’s meat sauce to take with me so I eat something familiar before tryouts.
I finally hit the road to NJ…it was an easy drive and it was GREAT to see Lauren and her family. I miss them a lot. They definitely helped calm my nerves when I got there.
I left pretty early to get to the facility. When I got there, I signed in and just chilled out for about a half hour before the tryouts began. I am not going into specifics about what we did at tryouts or anything but I will say this. I was so nervous. I was literally shaking during shuttles. It was fast. All of the players there were great at lacrosse and really nice. I was drenched in sweat. I was hurting by the end. I felt like I trained as hard as I could, but like I have said before, nothing can train you for lacrosse except for playing lacrosse. I wish there were more than one tryout.
I am not going to lie, I cried after it was over when I got in my car and called my dad. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was happy, sad, relieved, upset, confused, tired…everything.
If people wonder why I was so nervous, I can gladly, and finally clearly explain why. I am 25 years old. I am 3 years out of college ball. After my last game as a college player I truly believed I would never play serious competitive lacrosse again. I wanted to go to Israel and help with their programs, but it didn’t work around the time I was fresh out of school. The opportunity to play competitively AND represent my heritage came out of NO WHERE in December. I don’t know if there was anything I wanted more, or anything I had worked harder for. It’s all exciting to talk about while you’re in route of doing something you have always dreamed of, but when that day comes, it’s kind of a slap in the face. When I walked into the facility I was just like…well, this is it. This is what I have devoted almost all my time and energy into doing (not just my body, but my mind, too). This is what I dream about at night. This is the one and only chance I am going to have to play competitive lacrosse for the rest of my life.
It took me a long time to be content with not playing competitive ball again after my college career. I played in some summer leagues and all that stuff, but it definitely isn’t anywhere near the same. The closest I have come to playing like I used to was when we had the counselor vs. camper game at our Hero’s camp where I got to play with a lot of D 1 girls, which was awesome. But besides that, I knew there was nothing coming my way in the near future..until this. Not only would this be the chance I would have to play again, it would also be an opportunity I had to pass up a few years ago to actually GO to Israel and help develop the sport I love so much.
I can honestly say this is most likely the last ride for me. I won’t find out until late February if I actually made the team. If I do it will be a dream come true. If I don’t it will be sad because I know I will never really get a chance to play competitively again but it will have been all worth it. I completely changed my lifestyle for the better. I enjoy exercising now. I WANT to eat healthy. I have a positive outlook on life and believe you can achieve things if you set your mind to it, which makes it easier for me to try to inspire others to do the same.
I don’t know if I am going to continue to blog. I haven’t decided yet. It’s been fun, I haven’t even gone back to read any of them.
I have a lot of people I need to thank before I end this.
Obviously I have the most amazing family in the entire world. They always believe in me and encourage me to do the best I can in whatever I do. I also want to thank my mom for eating the french fries and good food at the house before I would come over for dinner, and for moving the mashed potatoes away from me when I try to grab more. Bryan is also always supportive in everything I do, encouraging me every day to continue working hard.
I couldn’t have been anywhere close without my peeps at Axis. Erin pushed me farther than I ever thought I could go and was so supportive. She was with me on this journey from day 1 and never ever EVER gave up on me. I also got to work out with Rob who is new to Axis and his support and encouragement had a big part in helping me believe I could do this.
Thank you to all of my teams!!!! All of my soccer and lacrosse girls who kept checking up on me, the basketball girls who inspired me every day..You all are one of the reasons why I did this so you know to take an opportunity when it comes and to NEVER GIVE UP!! You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. Thank you to the parents, too who kept track of my progress and took the opportunity to wish me luck when we saw each other. I can’t thank Caitlin enough, either. She is such a great person I love to be around because her positive energy rubs off on me. She is the best.
My OMMS family…thank you for dealing with me during this time!!!! I haven’t been around or as social as usual because of my training and you guys never missed a beat with checking in on me and making sure everything was ok and encouraging me. You are all always there just when I need you. I don’t know what I would do without you. I also loved the card 🙂
To my Frostburg girls, thank you for waking up (sometimes hungover) on Saturday mornings to come play lacrosse. Even though we only got together twice, it really helped prepare me. I also forgot what it was like to laugh so hard, and it made me really really REALLY miss you guys. I am so happy so many of us have been able to reconnect and get together after the years.
Malory gets her own little paragraph. Malory and I met (I love telling this story) when I was coaching at Frostburg. I was really hard on her and she didn’t like me. I didn’t like her much either (This was obvious when she wanted us to get strawberry cream cheese for an away game. Don’t ask.), but I think it was because she was so good and she didn’t know it yet. I’m not really sure at what point we started seeing eye to eye, but that was one of the best things to happen to me in my life. Malory is full of life, so positive, and so inspiring. I don’t think she will ever understand the impact she had on me over the past month. She would call me just to go pass, she pushed me hard at Axis (and I KNOW she let me beat her in sprints some times just to get my confidence up), and she helped me take care of riff raff things to ease the stress of life I had on me. I am lucky to have her as an assistant coach, my “assistant in life”, and a best friend.
And thank you to everyone who read my blog. I appreciate all of your kind words and support. I hope it inspired you to some extent in any way.
I plan to continue this healthy lifestyle. I am running a half marathon in April, Full Triathlon in May, Hopefully going to Israel in July, Sprint Tri in August, Sprint Tri in September.
Remember, a goal is just a dream with a deadline.